Dear Diary,
It’s been a minute. First of all, I need to poop. I just farted and it smells like something
I have been trying to balance work, school, me, school, family, school.
It has been crazy but I do love it tho. I feel like I am making my dreams come true but it really is A LOT of effort.
As per Jillz, I identify the most with the Mystic archetype. I am warmth, when I ask people “How are you doing?” I ask from the bottom of my heart. I send love to people, even MU. I would be like “I bless M with love❤️” and I actually visualize a heart coming out of my heart flying to M and literally splashing on him. You know what it makes me feel good.
S and Auntie D gave me a cool purse! It’s black, and feels and looks sturdy. I am thankful that I gave S $20 when she left. I do feel guilty I didn’t follow her for medical appt., but it feels right to be selfish and put myself.
Today I kept affirming, “I am willing to release the need to feel guilty.” And I cried so hard! I felt guilty that I was there for my mom when she needed me. But I am determined to put myself first. And not to repeat my past mistakes. And guess what? I took her advice of not getting the rice from the middle, and my rice was dry. What happened was that I opened my canned tuna, inspected the rice, touched it and 90% of it felt dry. So I threw em out. What was left I tried to eat them, I admittedly eat a little of the rice. But I kept thinking that “I must have followed my instinct” “following my moms words screwed me up” “I am wasting the rice but throwing out the other ones” “this is disgusting”
Yea part of what Jillz said:
After the divorce, I went introspective. I was like
“without R, I could have gotten my Masters degrees and PhD”
“without R, I wouldn’t feel so much shame around my people”
“without R, I could be a better version of myself”
I don’t wanna blame him. I choose to take responsibility for what happened to us. To me. I had low self-esteem and tolerated a guy who was below me. YES people I did think he was below me. It’s hard to explain, but I would say this: I wouldn’t be proud to bring him home to my parents.
I even asked myself: if I were a mother and my daughter brought R home to introduce him to me, would I be proud of her and relationship?
The answer is No.
By the way, I still fantasize about MU. The latest fantasy is being bearing him kiddos: twins – girl and a boy. Out of wedlock. And he is married to that woman.
And what happened …